Rust Monster

Well here we go with another new face at Rust Monster. We’ve slimmed down a lot here and hope to add some more focus to the site.

To kick it off I thought I’d drudge up one of my favorite rants. It’s something I came across several years ago and never caught the original author. If you happen to know please clue me in - I’d like to give credit where credit’s due.

Based on the creations of Gary Gygax and the various myths from which he liberally borrowed, Dungeons and Dragons is one of the memories that ’80s kids all have that provides a cultural common ground for the geeks and everyone else. For those who aren’t aware of what Dungeons and Dragons is, it’s a role-playing game in a fantasy setting. Players create characters represented by statistics and other characteristics on a sheet of paper. Characters are divided by character class, which refers to the area of their training and the way they make a living. From time to time with allegations of luring children to Satanism or some such intangible evil when some kids who play the game go and do something monumentally stupid.

The height of D and D’s popularity was in the late ’70s, and the D and D cartoon was an effort to boost sagging sales. It succeeded as a half-hour sales pitch, but it also somehow managed to remain one of the shows “they should run again.”

The story of the cartoon was very simple. Instead of sitting down at a table with a bunch of dice and a character named Tarth Earthenroot or something like that, this group of 6 kids sat down in a rollercoaster car and BECAME Tarth Earthenroot or something like that. Upon entering this new world, they met Dungeonmaster and were each issued a magic item and were assigned a class, character statistics and saving rolls — no, not really. Just the magic items. Had you going, though.

The six friends (well, FIVE friends and Eric the cavalier) traveled the world, hunted for treasure, slew goblins by the score, and picked a fight in every tavern they — no they didn’t. I don’t know what’s come over me. What they DID do was have Dungeonmaster tell them some weird riddle and then go try to find yet another way home (which they did at least once, although it didn’t last), and then get attacked by Tiamat the Queen of the Dragons on a semi-regular basis. No real Dungeon Master worth his salt would use Tiamat as often as she was used in the show (He wouldn’t be asked to be DM too often if he did, unless he also handed out magical items like candy)

Critical Review:
I’ve been crossing a line with that summary. Dungeons and Dragons accounted for a considerable amount of my time and money in high school, and I consequently have difficulty not talking about it from my own perspective (like any gamer, really. Be glad I don’t have a “Gazebo story.” More on that if space permits). For my lack of objectivity in the summary, I apologize. But then again, you should see my ten-page rough draft with the extended cut of the “Girdle of Masculinity/Femininity” incident. On with the review.

Willie Aames may be deserving of a nation’s ridicule for his current project, “Bibleman,” but both Dungeons and Dragons and Charles in Charge should clear some of that up. Hank (main characters in the ’80s were always named something like “Hank” or “Lance”) was a pretty rad dude with a Bow of Lightning Bolts (the boy never missed with that thing once. I don’t care how many weapons proficiencies in Bow you have, the dice are ALWAYS against you rolling a hit EVERY TIME!). The others in the little group were the aforementioned Eric, the Cavalier (his weapon was a shield — a SHIELD! — but his “friends” were always picking on him when he ran away — just once, I’d have liked to see him say, “What do you want me to do? Dungeonmaster gave me a SHIELD, for God’s sake! What am I supposed to say, ‘Don’t move or I’ll try not to get hurt?’”), Shiela the Thief (although the only thing that made her a thief was her Cloak of Invisibility), Diana the Acrobat (who only wore, as I recall, a fur micro-miniskirt, a bikini bra and a gold tiara), Presto the Magician (inept to a level rivalling that of Orko of Masters of the Universe fame) and Bobby the Barbarian (who had a pet Frank Welker in the shape of a unicorn).

This show, in short, rocked when I was 10. It’s been too long to confirm whether it has withstood the test of time (I missed the 2000 airing on FOX Kids), but sometimes (not always) nostalgia can salvage an otherwise awful something from one’s childhood.

When Wizards of the Coast released the cartoon series on DVD I got pretty excited. I had already gained a few downloaded copies and shared them with my kids. They were captivated by the mysterious plight of the kids and were excited to see the DVD set under the tree this past Chistmas. It was much better watching it on TV again rather than on the computer. The DVD set even came with a cool little booklet callthe Animated Series Handbook done up in the artwork of the 3rd Edition Player’s Handbook. It detailed the games stats for all the characters in the cartton, including Venger and his Shadow Demon lackey. It specs all the kids at 7th level for their classes - Hank the Ranger, Shield the Rogue, Diana the Monk, Eric the Fighter, and Bobby the Barbarian. My favorite part was the magic item details. Now, this didn’t detail the weapon per the cartoon but put it into playable stats. But they are all unique and really cool - well, except the Cloak of Invisibility, that one was worse that the ring version in the Dungeon Master’s Guide.

Anyhow, I’d love to hear anyone else’s thoughts about this, one of my favorite cartoons still.

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