To Chaos or Not to Chaos - Khorne; up close and personal.
There is a common misconception in the Warhammer community by the non-chaos types that anyone who chooses to take up the mantle of a skull wearing chaos cheeba monkey is a power gamer to the nth degree. I should know, I’ve been one of those for most of my Warhammer life. I admit it, I’m an anti-chaosite; or is that anti-chaotic? Anyway, if you find me at a Warhammer tournament, following another brutal smackdown by the Chaotic Ones, you’re not likely to find me in a charitable mood about our friends to the North. Today though, I really want to step back and look at each of the Chaos Gods starting with Khorne. Over the next couple of articles we’ll examine the army types, play styles, and miniature ranges in an effort to better understand the plague, oops sorry, the attraction that chaos holds. At the end of it all I may still be inclined to link a certain “F” word with Chaos; but at least I’ll know why. So sit back, find yourself a skull to wear, and lets trek up North to the Chaos Wastes.
Five Questions With Khorne
Tryke - Khorne, he of the bloody skulls, lord of battle. How you feeling today?
Khorne - Blood for the blood god! Oh sorry, thats kind of a reflex action. I’m doing well Tryke, how are you feeling today?
Tryke - I’m doing well, and might I say thank you for allowing me to interview you today.
Khorne - No problem, I don’t get a chance to talk to many people. It’s depressing. I want skulls!!!
Tryke - Whoa. Alright, lets get this interview done with quickly. Frankly you scare me…
Khorne - I get that a lot.
Tryke - Okay.
Tryke - First question, What do you want most out of life? Oh, I guess that wouldn’t be quite right. Let me rephrase, What do you want most of godhood?
Khorne - BLOOD!
Tryke - Care to elaborate?
Khorne - <silence> I guess I never really thought about it. <mumbling> Sorry, the only thing that really comes to mind is blood. This is a little embarassing.
Tryke - Umm yeah. Well lets not get embarassed, you really are turning an alarming shade of red.
Khorne - Blood, blood, blood, skulls, blood.
Tryke - Right. Next question. What is Khorne afraid of?
Khorne - Blood.
Tryke - Really?
Khorne - Yes.
Tryke - Come on, you’re putting one over on me. You’re the blood god for Sigmar’s sake. You just said you wanted blood?
Khorne - I know, but its just that the blood never stops. I want it but I can’t handle it all. Sometimes I feel like I might want to try something else; ale, wine, maybe a nice chardonay. I just don’t think it would go with the skulls.
Tryke - I would think not.
*Authors note - At this point Khorne is looking awfully glum and he is starting to glow slightly
Khorne - Next question.
Tryke - Right. Are you aware that many consider you their first choice as a chaos god when choosing an army to lead.
Khorne - Where do you think the blood comes from?
Tryke - Ah yes well, how do you feel about your popularity amongst the bloodthirsty.
Khorne - I feel thirsty for blood.
Tryke - Why are you reaching for that axe. Put it down Khorne.
Khorne - Grrrr
Tryke - Okay, quickly, is there a Mrs. Khorne?
Khorne - What?
Tryke - A Mrs Khorne? A shield to your axe, the flesh to your blood?
Khorne - No. Just the blood………..and the skulls. Though I must admit the Witch Elves of Naggaroth are quite the lookers. (*Khorne looks positively wistful)
Tryke - Fascinating. So Khaine, the elven god of war, and you, the pimpin blood daddy, really are one and the same.
Khorne - Last question.
Tryke - I’m sorry, did I say something wrong.
Khorne - I just can’t anwser that question. GT would have my ass.
Tryke - GT? Gav Thorpe?
Khorne - I said last question.
Tryke - Okay, okay, put the axe down!
Khorne - You’re pushing it.
Tryke - Sorry, just a little excited.
Khorne - No problem, here you want to look at the axe.
Tryke - Really.
Khorne - Sure, why not. Just don’t mess up the blood.
Tryke - Thats nice…mmmm…makes me want blood.
Khorne - Don’t you start.
Tryke - <Embarassed cough> Oh sorry, here you can have that back.
Khorne - Thank you. I don’t let many people touch Betsy.
Tryke - Betsy? The blood god’s axe is name Betsy?
Khorne - Yes
Tryke - Any particular reason?
Khorne - It seemed like the thing to do. It was either that or skull splitter. Betsy seemed more civilized.
Tryke - Oookay.
Tryke - Last question.
Tryke - Does the deacon of dismemberment…
Khorne - Watch it.
Tryke - Sorry. Do you have a favorite movie?
Khorne - Fried Green Tomatoes.
Tryke - You’ve got to be joking? Fried Green Tomatoes just like that, no hesitation.
Khorne - Really. It was riveting, a little frightening, and I felt uplifted by the end of it. Haven’t wanted more blood in my existence.
Tryke - You’re not joking.
Khorne - Nope. Besides, I really dig Kathy Bates.
Tryke - I’m speechless.
Khorne - Why are you surprised?
Tryke - I thought you a cinch for Saw or Friday the 13th, maybe a good war movie.
Khorne - Been there, done that.
Tryke - But its a chick flick.
Khorne - Grrrrr.
Tryke - Hey now big fella, put the axe down. Down! Security!
END OF INTERVIEW
Well there you have it. Khorne is really just a simple animal looking for love. In all honesty the blood fixation was not unexpected. It’s what you see from most of his followers. That and the simplistic straight forward, dare I say frenzied approach. But for all that I’m wondering how many of you out there knew that Khorne has an obsession with Kathy Bates. As I wing back south I’m struck with sadness for the sanguine sultan and his lack of beverage choices. My personal assistant is currently working out my next interview with he of the rotting face. Yes Lord Nurgle and I trade jabs next. Until then, Blood for the Blood God! Ooops, sorry, that phrase seems to be catching. Until next time, watch your flanks and charge safely.
( * On a personal note. We at Rust Monster would like to send our condolences to the family of Troll Slayer Gimri Whitehorn, my chief of security. His daring, bravery, and quick thinking allow me to write my next article. We at Rust Monster would also like announce that we currently have a security position open and we are actively interviewing. All applicants should send their resume’s c/o Tryke to either our Ulthuan or Middenheim office. Snotlings need not apply.) T
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March 13th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Well that was unexpected. I thought this was going to be a more traditional review of a chaos god but this was very entertaining.