To Chaos or Not to Chaos - Nurgle Me This
Hello again ladies and gentlemen. Wait a minute this is warhammer I’m talking about, whats going on guys? As always, I’m Tryke and welcome back to the next installment in our series To Chaos or Not to Chaos. Today we’ll be sloshing back to the North Lands to talk to the Lord of Languish, Nurgle. But first, I’d like to thank all of you who sent condolences and flowers for the family of Gimri Whitehorn. Rest assured the flowers have been all sent back but his family would like you all to know that financial donations have been used to name an ale keg in his honor. On a related note, we are still actively interviewing applicants to fill the position of the late Gimri and we hope to have the position filled within the week; if we get any applicants. In the interim, we’ve managed to procure the services of the mighty Tyrion this week who will ensure that the Baron of Bile keeps his hand off of yours truly. So, without further ado, get those sanitary masks and lets zip off to Nurgle land.
Nurgle - Behind the Gas
(*Authors Note - As I’m waiting for the interview to start a couple of alarming looking creatures bring in a cauldron full of some revolting liquid. To my surprise it’s Nurgle)
Tryke - Ahh, alright, Nurgle <knock on the cauldron> you in there?
Tyrion - Mr. Tryke, I suggest you step back from the cauldron.
Tryke - Can it pretty boy, just be ready to step in here.
Tryke - Nurgle?
Nurgle - Hold on, hold on. I’m coming out.
Tryke - Can I print that?
Nurgle - Watch it, I read that article you did on Khorne. Made me laugh so hard I had anthrax coming out of my nose and everything.
Tryke - Ookay, we need to get this done with quickly. I think I’m going to be ill.
Tyrion - Do you need a trash can?
Tryke - Zip it.
Tyrion - <mumbling>
Nurgle - We going to do this or what, I’ve got a facial in 30.
Tryke - Really?
Nurgle - Yup, it keeps the pores clear. You wouldn’t believe what kind of buildup I get in there.
Tryke -
Nurgle - You going to ask me anything?
Tryke - I’m having a difficult time, I think I’m speechless.
Tyrion - Can I get you a thesaurus?
Tryke - Oh for the love of Sigmar, go sit in the corner before you hurt yourself.
Tryke - Alright, down to business. So, Lord Nurgle, my readers are dying to know what the Dean of Disease does in his free time?
Nurgle - Aren’t you going to thank me for the interview?
Tryke - What?
Nurgle - You thanked Khorne. What, I’m not as good as Khorne. I’m not as important?
Tryke - Whoa there putrescent one, just ooze back over there and we’ll start this again.
Nurgle - Okay.
Tryke - Right. So Nurgle, great to see you and thanks for the interview. I’ve been looking forward to the opportunity to come out and talk with you.
Nurgle - I watch “What Not to Wear”.
Tryke - Uhh, hmmm, yeah uhhh….What?
Nurgle - You asked me what I do in my free time?
Tryke - Oh…yeah right. You getting this Tyrion? Tyrion? Where the blazes did he go?
Nurgle - He’s having intestinal issues. I love messing with the pointy eared ones.
Tryke - Get off it Nurgle, thats my man there. Now do you want to do this interview or what?
Nurgle - Sorry.
Tryke - No problem, just don’t let it happen again.
Nurgle - Fine.
Tryke - “What Not to Wear ” huh? Okay I’ll bite, why?
Nurgle - The hair styles.
Tryke - What?
Nurgle - You wouldn’t believe how much bad hair I see every day. You ever see anyboy who’s sick who’s hair looked good? That guy Nick is a genius. One of these days I’m going to Nurgle him over to our side.
Tryke - I think you frighten me more than Khorne.
Nurgle - Thats the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Tryke - So, you have a real thing for Khorne?
Nurgle - Not really, I’m just sick of him getting top billing all the time.
Tryke - Little jealous?
Nurgle - No.
Tryke - Come on Nurgle. Does the Prince of Pus have envy fever over the blood god?
Nurgle - Maybe just a little.
Tryke - Good, now that wasn’t so hard was it?
Nurgle - Not really, no. I feel liberated.
<* Nurgle is starting to give me this strange look>
Tyrion - I’m back boss.
Tryke - Good, stand over there by the cauldron. Not that one, the one with Nurgle you idiot. Evidently Teclis did get all the brains.
Tyrion - What?
Tryke - Nothing, just sit there and keep that sword handy.
Nurgle - He makes me feel bad about myself?
Tryke - What? Who?
Nurgle - Tyrion, he’s too pretty, too healthy.
Tryke - Can it Nurgle. Pull yourself together your a chaos god for goodness sake. Or would that be evil? By the way, is Chaos good or evil?
Nurgle - Can’t say?
Tryke - Can’t say or won’t say?
Tyrion - Evil.
Tryke - I said shut it golden boy. Nurgle?
Nurgle - What do you think?
Tryke - I’d say evil. I mean you pillage rape, infect, infest and generally brutalize everyone in your path. I mean on a scale of 1 to 100 with 1 being a rampaging butterfly swarm and 100 being the mongol horde I’d say you’re a 300.
Nurgle - You say the nicest things.
Tryke - Right, so are we agreed you’re evil.
Nurgle - I think I’m misunderstood.
Tryke - I’m calling Nurgle.
Nurgle - Really!
Tryke - You know you like making people suffer…at least admit it.
Nurgle - Do you think it would score me points with your readers?
Tryke - How in the chaos wastes should I know, I’m still trying to figure out what they like to read myself.
Nurgle - Sorry.
Tyrion - Somthings happening back here boss.
Tryke - Well stop it!
Tyrion - Oh the humanity…Help!
Tryke - Mrrph!
Tryke - Readers, its my sad duty to report that Tyrion has just been enveloped by a patty of pestilent postules and is quickly disolving. Yet another special character model no one will ever be able to use.
Nurgle - Ahhh…thats better…let me put on something more comfortable now.
Tryke - Achh…where’s the door, let me get the door, Nurgle is distending, changing, morphing…oh no, not that..accch! I’m out ladies and gentleman, this is just too much to take….aaaiiiee!
Nurgle - Ahhh….is this still on <tapping noise on microphone>…good. Now that we’re alone I just want you all to know that there’s no reason to fear me, I just want to help. “ I want a world without war, a world without insanity. I want to see people do well. I don’t even think it’s as much as what I want for myself. It’s more what I want for the people around me. That’s what I want.“** So for all that, let me just I’m Tom Cruise, and good night.
* *My thanks for that actual quote from the real Tom Cruise
Wow, thats all I can say is wow. Nurgle is maladjusted, delusional, and somewhat of a meglomaniac…he’s actually…Tom Cruise? Who knew. Either way, I would say that one should be real careful around this delusional deliverer and his back loaded acts of charity. Sure, he’ll make you tough as twice microwaved turkey skin the week after thanksgiving but something tells me it would suck to look like the latest mud bath at a sweedish beauty salon. Hey, if boils, postules, and general foulness is your thing by all means…but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Anyway, check back in with us next week when we get down with he of the altered states, Tzeentch. Until then, charge safely and watch your flanks.
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